WiredKids > September 11 Information > 911 Letters > ^Elfe^

^Elfe^

I watched my television set in horror as a plane flew into the first of the WTC towers... All I could think was my omigod omigod ... what a horrific accident. Minutes later the second plane flew into the other tower & it hit me … terrorism.

I was getting ready to go on a job interview that morning, & about a half hour later I got in my car to drive to the interview. I listened to the news on the car radio as I drove. I can remember shaking during the ride, so bad at times I honestly thought I should pull off the road. Several times during the 45-minute ride, I thought I would be sick to my stomach. More than once the tears came & I tried to blot them away without destroying my makeup.

I stopped in a department store on the way, to purchase a memo pad. The cashier who took my money was sobbing.

Then.... bam… it was like getting whacked on the head. I thought of my friends who live and/or work in the city. My God, my friends. I thought of Juli, who worked in the financial district just blocks away from the towers. Barbara, a bit further away but who commuted to & from the city, how the heck would she get home? I worried about Pat, & Greg, & Leona, & Judy, and.... oh no ... oh my god.... John, dear John who was a NYC fireman. John, who was my daughter's "surrogate" dad, who dressed up as Santa & the Easter Bunny for her, since her own never would. Please, please let John have been off duty. I knew though it wouldn’t have mattered. Even if he was OFF duty he would be there. I prayed as I drove that God would watch over them.

In the days that followed I learned of my friends. Juli was OK ... she basically walked from Manhattan up to the Bronx, where her husband picked her up to get to her home in Westchester. She told me that she & seven others were in the subterranean basement of their building, wondering what the heck was going on & if they should stay there or run for it. She called her mom on her cell phone to tell her she was OK … her mom had no clue what was going on. She hadn’t even turned on her TV yet that day. Juli was covered with white dust, & as she puts it, very grateful her two small children were asleep when she got home so that she could shower before they saw her. She had worried about frightening them. Barbara made it home very late, but safe. The others were OK too, except for John. John was missing, but his wife remained optimistic. Surely he would be fine. Surely he wouldn't leave them. Not John.

My worries were as big as a world war, & as small as buying extra bottled water. I worried big about living close to an international airport, & a nuclear plant. The quiet sky above me felt very eerie. I had never realized how comforting the sky noises had been. I was upset that I couldn't find a flag for my car. I was so very proud of the way the people of the US bonded. I felt a wonderful camaraderie with people of other countries, as they told me & showed me that my pain was their pain. I felt a pride in my country, & faith in my fellow man that I never felt before, not like this. I feared for the future that our children could be facing. I tried to make a bargain with God … if anyone else had to die, let it be me instead of some child. I regretted the way this generation of children had lost their childhood, in a matter of hours, for surely they just had, & were thrown into the cold reality of humankind. It wasn’t supposed to have happened this way. I stocked up on canned goods & bottled water, & duct tape to seal my windows if the nuclear plant was attacked. I wondered if I should ask our pediatrician about our getting smallpox vaccines. I realized for the first time, really, what fear truly meant.

Two months later John's wife held a memorial service for him. She was ready to admit that he wasn’t coming home. His oldest son Jonathan, 15, always a quiet & sensitive boy, was hardly talking at all now. His pain was written on his face, so transparent. He looked like a big little man-child with the weight of the world on his shoulders. No doubt he was trying to figure out how he could possibly take care of his mother & his brother & sister. John’s 13-year-old daughter Jess acted like none of it had ever happened. I expected her to be practicing cheerleading in the hallway. I understood where she was coming from. Sometimes it hurts so bad you don’t know how to act … so instead you act as if nothing had happened at all. I worried most about her. His 2-year-old son just wanted to know WHEN daddy would come home.

My own daughter still denied John’s death. She insisted that with out a body, you could not prove anything. Her theory was that he had amnesia somewhere & didn't know how to come home, & was thoroughly disgusted with the rest of us for not keeping up hope.

Just weeks later, his body was found. He was finally brought home & put to rest.

Almost one year later….

The skies rumble with the sounds of planes again. We still worry about the nuclear plant, & about our water sources. I’m still afraid to fly, the truth be told. People act normal (as normal as can be) but traces of paranoia remain. It saddens me that almost no one any longer has a flag on his or her car. Six months ago EVERYONE had a flag on his or her car. What happened? My daughter & I were almost the only ones who walked out on the bridge this year to watch the 4th of July fireworks. Last year it was standing room only. MP’s with rifles searched our selves & our car before letting us into a community yard sale. I have never known so many people out of work as I do today.

John's wife isn't doing so well. She has yet to really get back to work, & has put their house up for sale. She doesn’t go out much, except to church. She & her two older children are in therapy. Her youngest, the baby Jordan, still wants to know why Daddy hasn’t come home.

Just last week we heard a news reporter say that some people thought Bin Laden was dead. My daughter asked me if I thought he was. I really didn’t know what to answer her, but I remember thinking … Good Lord, I hope they are right. I can't ever remember wishing before that someone were dead, not like this. And then I asked her what she thought.

"He MUST have died by now, Mommy. Nobody with a conscience could do what he did, & live this long with it."

I don't know how to explain to her that I don't believe he has one.

^Elfe^